An Anthology Of Insults

Further to yesterday’s self-indulgence (and because the ony reviews I’ve written in the past week can’t be published here for the moment), here is a nice list of all the times readers have truly excercised their right to reply. For the most part, these are culled verbatim from Drowned In Sound, but there are some gems from this ‘blog and some other interactive holes as well. I’d love to go through and link them all the specific reviews, but I’m at work. Soz.

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“You are an absolute moron, Daniel Ross. You arse.”

“One grasps for more wit to demean this review than this protracted rebuff, but there really is too much wax in Daniel Ross’ ears.”

“Daniel: never write about music again.”

“Seriously though, you’re a towel.”

“… but seriously Mr. Ross… you barely deserve to have ears, never mind a position as a music journalist.”

“… the worst thing about the internet is that any idiot can be a critic nowadays. What a crock of shit review!!!”

“It’s not my type of music but you obviously have some kind of vendetta…. did the drummer sleep with your sister?”

“Go to see them and in front of their fans afetr a gig. Try and stand outside and stand by your review as they rip you to shreads.”

“Do you even listen to music? Perhaps the sound is a bit muffled being so shoved up your own arse!”

“Lazy ass review from a cynical peice of shit. Go back and listen to Lil Wayne, you faggot.”

“the sad motherf%&cker is probably still waiting for the backstreet boys comeback lol.”

“You are a wrong.”

“What a pointless review you bitter prick. Keep spunking on your freelance “journalist” work, A NORMAL JOB BECKONS FOR YOU. Prrrrrrrick.”

“Sounds like they broke in and buttfuc*ed your Grandad!”

“Listen up you trash talking wanker…you talk about the masses bestowing legend status on U2 for sticking around for 30+ years (oh you noticed that , huh?) and this really isn’t a small feat because any band can do that these days (name one other band to do it successfully with all original members in tact) Obviously you have no clue what’s going on with this new album which I can firmly declare as one of there best to date! That’s right, I said it. Joshua Tree it’s not… but then again it’s not 1987 is it. No, it’s not…hmmm. You have the utter audacity to call this record ugly and speak nothing of the joy that it radiates. For example many critics have fired on Bono for using the lyric “I was born to sing for you” on “Magnificent” calling it pompous and pretentious. Which may actually have a ring of truth if this line was aimed at the fans…not the case…It’s a heartfelt outpouring of joy to give praise to his maker. The album is filled with examples of these kind of misunderstood lines. And furthermore…you make light of the line “reboot yourself” as if “Unknown Caller” is a song of silly subject matter..??????? wtf man. Obviously you haven’t suffered enough to realize the power of these words. How about this instead of trashing this latest effort, and holding it up against every other album they’ve ever made…actually listen to it and try to appreciate it for the great work it is.

And that’s what I got to say about that!”

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A towel? Mental. For the record, I was totally right in all of these reviews.

An Explanology

You know what? PM has not been producing much printable stuff of late. For that, PM is sorry. That’s the ‘ology bit done.

PM does not have much time, and gets sent many things in the post to listen to. If PM didn’t have a day-job where listening to much of this stuff in a quiet fashion while working, then even less would be done. The truth is, magazine work has cropped up in man-hours more than expected (i.e. any), and the time to write longer pieces and reviews is continually squashed down. Wa! So, as another month rolls around and another stack of short reviews needs to be written, take solace in the fact that any downscaling of content here is not a sign that PM is petering out, rather it’s a sign that things are more pressurised. And that’s the Explan’ bit done too.

Hey, on Monday, come back and read a thingy that went in Artrocker mag this month! You’ll like it! And hey, we’re still annoying the odd rapper here at PM. From the La Coka Nostra web area:

“a negative album review (surprise, surprise) [I will only post album review until the full album is out, be it mp3 or CD – because then we can all judge it, not just some privileged critics]”

You think it was a privelege?

La Coka Nostra – A Brand You Can Trust

La Coka Nostra – A Brand You Can Trust (Uncle Howie)

For all its claims at independent non-conformity, for all the posturing that screams authenticity and for all the turns of phrase that rhyme one too many words in succession to engender dazzlement, A Brand You Can Trust feels lightly peppered with easiness. Rather than actively seek to document events, or even to tell stories, this Hollywood mop-up of the likes of Ill Bill, Slaine and even DJ Lethal from House Of Pain instead gives the impression of lives lived, and philosophise the album away. It’s clear that the confusion and lack of immediate clarity automatically discounts this debut as totally loveable – few bonds can be made between artist and listener if either party is unsure what the other’s reaction will be.

There are requisite plumps for the Wu Tang school of alienation and violence, but little of the wit. The funereal Cousin Of Death has heavy-handed ‘rapper’s sorrow’ liberally soaking it – the saccharine piano and guitar interplays are winsome but dead, and the raps themselves attempt rumination on the existential problems of getting fucking shot, but end up merely cataloguing bad experiences and paraphrasing Neil Young. Cloudy over-emotion and faux-bad-assery don’t scare or fool anyone. This collective may wander the mean streets, but they certainly don’t go looking for trouble in the way the genre used to.

The creeping suspicion that commercial shortcuts might be being taken to keep it listener-friendly does the record no favours either. Hardcore Chemical Soldier’s Story, which features a throaty contribution from Sick Jacken, affirms La Coka Nostra’s inability to focus, sloganeering and desperately trying to find the World’s Largest Hook in the process. Apparently this story is “too graphic for you born-again faggots”, and totally dislocates itself from any kind of enjoyable listen. No matter how fiercely this record’s chief influences might have stated their cases, they at least involved the audience and challenged them. The strange appearance of Snoop Dogg on Bang Bang goes some way to summing up A Brand You Can Trust – with sales in the crosshairs and little to bring to the table, save for odd moments of inspiration, the listener is left with little to work with, tall tales or not.

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This comes out in early July or something. Enjoy some bravado and not much original thought here.